Maya Angelou on Aging

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...'

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

It's Time to Fight for the Public Option

Working for the Alzheimer's Association and then for Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center taught me one thing. If the people harmed most by our inadequate approach to health and long term care in this country don't stand up for themselves there isn't a chance in hell that anything is going to be done about it. We have a chance to create real healthcare reform in this country right now and the choices we make or don't make today are sure to affect future generations for a long time to come.

Unfortunately, as much as I think it would be preferable to have a bipartisan approach to creating real healthcare reform, the current Congress has proven that that's not something they're capable of doing. As soon as the public option was taken off the table I, along with MOST Americans, gave up. You don't negotiate with terrorists! And that's what the nay-saying Republican stonewalling has become. I say let's stop it now!

CREDO is circulating this petition to get the public option passed without Republican approval. If you agree that it really IS time for a change let's send that message to Congress and the president we elected to pass that change together. Without our action nothing can and will be done. President Obama and most of Congress have already given up on the ability to pass a public option but momentum is building to shift that perception. 119 House Democrats and 20 Senators have already been convinced through earlier CREDO petitions to push a public option through over Republican heads. With enough public outcry the rest of the Senate and House may come on board. They'll have no choice if they want to be re-elected in November.

Send a message to your congressmen and women today!
http://act.credoaction.com/campaign/good_vs_bipartisan/?r_by=7864-1886094-mzBw0zx&rc=confemail1

Early Behavioral Indicators of Dementia

There is a spectrum of behaviors that family members report when it comes to dementia. There's the genetic variant of Alzheimer's that hits relatively early in life and doesn't leave anyone unscathed. The most intelligent competent person in their forties can become completely dysfunctional in a very short few years. That's the worst case scenario and it is NOT the one most people came to me about when I worked for the Alzheimer's Association and Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center.

The more typical situation belonged to the people who became slowly more and more incapable of handling their daily lives, became increasingly more dependent on the people around them, and died usually from some other cause in their 70s or 80s. This is also the most difficult kind of dementia to diagnose and, frequently, no definitive diagnosis becomes available until the behaviors become so intolerable or frightening to someone else that there is no other recourse except to intervene.

People would come to me reporting all kinds of troubling behaviors before their loved one was willing to seek medical attention. "What does it mean when I see that my mother-in-law is letting the bills pile up?" "I went to visit my parents when I went on vacation and I could not believe the state of their refrigerator!" "My grandmother stays in her bathrobe all day and spends the day muttering to herself." "I popped in unexpectedly on my father the other day and found him sitting in his underwear in the dark! He said there was nothing the matter with what he was doing and to leave him alone. Is this the beginning of dementia? How do I know? What do I do?"

I'd do the best I could with the information I had but the truth is there are no hard and fast answers to these questions. And now that I live with some elderly people exhibiting a few of these behaviors themselves I know that my best thinking on the subject was probably wrong! Yikes!

Some people, all of us perhaps, lapse into lazy behaviors when no one is looking. At a certain age, you've probably heard people say, one of the perks is not caring what other people think. I think now that that combination, combined with a lack of desire to change things when family arrives, was behind most of the early behaviors worried family members used to report. That's not to say that these behaviors are not early indicators. They certainly are! But people with depression act the same way and elderly "eccentrics" who don't want to play social games anymore certainly do. Take these people to the doctor and you won't get a definitive diagnosis of any sort of dementia in the early stage. Unfortunately, study after study does tend to show that high levels of depression and social isolation are two of the key determining factors in whether a person develops the disease.  And that's the reason I wanted to write about this today.

Can you help a loved one who is depressed, feels cast off by society, alone and scared? Can you help someone who refuses to accept help? Sometimes you can help bring a lonely loved one back into the fold. Sometimes you have to let go of the outcome, extend a helping hand where it is allowed, and hope that it makes the quality of their lives (and yours) better as far as you're allowed to go.

Being Still, Letting Go

Painting © Copyright 2009 Sheryl Karas

When life is chaotic it can feel extremely difficult to find a calm center to relax into and let go. I think this painting I did recently epitomizes that. Too much happening to feel "meditative". But it is a mandala. Breathe in and focus on the very center.

Or close your eyes and begin again.

The mandala above is a challenging place to begin a focused meditation practice. I can't do the practice I suggested above with this piece myself. But that's why I chose it for this article. Living with someone with dementia is like that. The chaotic disrupting influence of the dementia patient's fractured thought process and the worry, frustration and seemingly endless series of problems creates a backdrop that screams for attention even when you find a few minutes of "peace" just for yourself.

Some things in a caregiving situation take a lot of time to work through. Throughout my book I offer lots of suggestions caregivers can do to make things go better. But what about those things that can't be improved? You know what I'm referring to: the endless repeating questions that you just answered 10 minutes ago, finding the roll of tin foil in the refrigerator along with the unwrapped meat that mom insisted on putting away, the obsessive paranoia, the accusations that someone broke in and stole the purse you know will someday show up someplace weird. The list gets longer all the time and no well-meaning guidebook or caregiving professional has an answer for how to deal with it all.

It's natural to obsess on a situation that is this upsetting. And if there IS something you're overlooking -- maybe Mom's medications need to be adjusted? -- it's wise to get a professional opinion.

But, I know, sometimes you've done everything you can think of to do and the craziness doesn't end. Today I had an insight into this. Just going away, closing the door and obsessing on how much you hate the situation you're in does NOT make it better. :-) Yeah, it was an insight. . .  or rather a reminder to be in the present moment. In this perfect moment in time there is no dementia patient in the room. In this perfect moment there is nothing going on that can't wait until someone (not necessarily me) returns.

By really being in the present, I can breathe and return to a feeling of peace myself.

Everyone Has Value, Just Breathing

An old counselor friend of mine from India, who I lost touch with years ago when she moved back, had an enormous impact on the people she worked with when she lived in the United States. Her insight into the U.S. national psyche is that most people she met didn't feel good about themselves. Even worse, this was amplified if they were sick, disabled, unemployed or struggling. She took to asking her clients to lie down while she sat beside them and held their hands. She would tell them to just breathe and when they would protest that they weren't getting "enough work done" in their session with her she'd tell them to think of themselves as a young infant -- a newborn, unable to move or talk, or even lift their own head. And she would say

"Did your mama love you any less for that? No! She was so excited to have you, to welcome you into her life, to just hold you and look at you and smell you! She saw you as a perfect miracle when you were just born and unable to do anything but lie there, breathing. And she was thankful for that."

"Just breathe. You are of value to the world just being here. You are a miracle. You are loveable. You are welcome on this planet. You belong."

"Think of yourself as that little newborn. You are still that same child. And nothing changes that except what you have been taught to believe."

In this video is a graphic example of how valuable a being can be just lying there breathing. It's a tribute to Baxter, a dog who brought joy and comfort to people at the end of their lives even though he couldn't do anything anymore himself but lie in their beds, be held by them and lick their faces.

He died on Friday, October 16, on my birthday. I didn't know him personally but I know he is deeply missed.