Let People Know How To Manage Your Care If Unable To Speak for Yourself!

If something should happen to you and you are unable to speak for yourself does your family know your wishes as to how to manage your care? And will they have the legal right to act on your behalf? Are you thinking about whether you may be called on to do that for someone else? You can do something about that. Fill out Health Care Proxies, print them out, and make sure everyone who might need to be involved has their own copies. http://www.doyourproxy.org/webtool.php

Everyone Has Value, Just Breathing

An old counselor friend of mine from India, who I lost touch with years ago when she moved back, had an enormous impact on the people she worked with when she lived in the United States. Her insight into the U.S. national psyche is that most people she met didn't feel good about themselves. Even worse, this was amplified if they were sick, disabled, unemployed or struggling. She took to asking her clients to lie down while she sat beside them and held their hands. She would tell them to just breathe and when they would protest that they weren't getting "enough work done" in their session with her she'd tell them to think of themselves as a young infant -- a newborn, unable to move or talk, or even lift their own head. And she would say

"Did your mama love you any less for that? No! She was so excited to have you, to welcome you into her life, to just hold you and look at you and smell you! She saw you as a perfect miracle when you were just born and unable to do anything but lie there, breathing. And she was thankful for that."

"Just breathe. You are of value to the world just being here. You are a miracle. You are loveable. You are welcome on this planet. You belong."

"Think of yourself as that little newborn. You are still that same child. And nothing changes that except what you have been taught to believe."

In this video is a graphic example of how valuable a being can be just lying there breathing. It's a tribute to Baxter, a dog who brought joy and comfort to people at the end of their lives even though he couldn't do anything anymore himself but lie in their beds, be held by them and lick their faces.

He died on Friday, October 16, on my birthday. I didn't know him personally but I know he is deeply missed.

Singing at the Threshold

I recently got an email from the Threshold Choir, a wonderful singing community I used to participate in founded by Kate Munger in El Cerrito, California. Choirs have now formed in many places throughout the United States and Sussex, England and new ones are being created all the time.

What makes The Threshold Choir special is that it was specifically formed to comfort the sick and dying. Choir members learn songs in 2-4 part harmony and "perform" them (offer them) at people's bedsides. They sing in pairs or in small groups at hospices, hospitals, nursing homes, and private homes by the invitation of the family or the person's caregivers. Sometimes the family is present when they sing, and they sing as much for them as for the person who is in bed. The service is provided for free although donations are gratefully accepted.

It's a wonderful experience to be sung to like this. All Threshold Choir members get to have the experience themselves and when I was a member of the group I remember it as moving, extremely peaceful and profound.

Here's a lovely video I found on Youtube featuring members of the choir I used to sing with in Santa Cruz. I still find it inspiring work.

How Do I Get My Parents to Move?

David Solie, author of How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders, has a wonderful article on his blog on this topic. In it, he helps his readers close the gap between our generation's desire to keep our parents safe and well-cared for and their intense insistence on staying at home as long as possible. "How can they be so unreasonable?" we think. "Can't they see that I can't do it all for them anymore--I have a job, a husband and kids of my own. Dad keeps falling down, he's losing his eyesight. Mom gets lost on the way to the grocery store. But they fight me tooth and nail every step of the way!"

According to Solie, all is as it should be. And now that I have a fresh perspective on the problem I'd have to agree. Our parents are very much aware that they are in their final days, step by step losing everything they once held dear. For them having even one more day with the people they love, one more day in the home they created and care so much about, one more day means so very much.

You have a choice about the role you play in this progression. Silently, holding their hands, and doing everything possible to help them hold on to those minutes and days as long as possible without any limits and boundaries on your part is one. Many people come to me with this as their expectation. But there are limits and boundaries -- physical ones, financial ones. Eventually something -- or someone-- gives out. Or you can do the same thing but hold on to a reasonable expectation about what's happening and what can be done. "I'm here for you mom, I'm here for you dad but when we get to the point of xyz (set your limit and boundary here) we're going to have to try something else. Can we put a plan in place for that together?"

They may refuse that, too. "I lived in this house my whole life and I'm going to die here!" Your parents are accepting that this process is going to end in death. Under the circumstances their "safety" and "comfort" isn't necessarily their highest concern. It's about cherishing what they do have left a little bit longer. You'll do better if you can accept this, too. At least to some extent. Deal with your feelings about their impending death. Don't fight the reaper—work with it instead, choosing to make this time a loving end of life experience as much as possible.

Or you can fight with them, missing the point of why we're here together on this planet and why you're doing so much for them in the first place: you love each other. Keep that thought foremost in your minds and whatever has to be done will happen.