Everyone Has Value, Just Breathing

An old counselor friend of mine from India, who I lost touch with years ago when she moved back, had an enormous impact on the people she worked with when she lived in the United States. Her insight into the U.S. national psyche is that most people she met didn't feel good about themselves. Even worse, this was amplified if they were sick, disabled, unemployed or struggling. She took to asking her clients to lie down while she sat beside them and held their hands. She would tell them to just breathe and when they would protest that they weren't getting "enough work done" in their session with her she'd tell them to think of themselves as a young infant -- a newborn, unable to move or talk, or even lift their own head. And she would say

"Did your mama love you any less for that? No! She was so excited to have you, to welcome you into her life, to just hold you and look at you and smell you! She saw you as a perfect miracle when you were just born and unable to do anything but lie there, breathing. And she was thankful for that."

"Just breathe. You are of value to the world just being here. You are a miracle. You are loveable. You are welcome on this planet. You belong."

"Think of yourself as that little newborn. You are still that same child. And nothing changes that except what you have been taught to believe."

In this video is a graphic example of how valuable a being can be just lying there breathing. It's a tribute to Baxter, a dog who brought joy and comfort to people at the end of their lives even though he couldn't do anything anymore himself but lie in their beds, be held by them and lick their faces.

He died on Friday, October 16, on my birthday. I didn't know him personally but I know he is deeply missed.

Conflict Resolution and Family Caregiving

I used to work as a Family Caregiving Consultant for the Alzheimer's Association and later for Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center in Santa Cruz, CA. Conflict resolution was one of the most challenging aspects of long term family caregiving -- so many factors to be worked out, and such committed and heartfelt views. Here are some excerpts from an article I wrote on the subject back then. A new version of this can be found in my latest book, The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. The book can be found both on my own website and though my shop on Etsy.com.

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Sometimes when I work with families I think of my clients as being on a see-saw. One person in the family voices a very strong opinion about what HAS to happen and another family member insists in an equally loud voice that he or she wants the opposite. The balance of power wildly swings back and forth until one person falls off and the other person (merrily?) goes on their way doing exactly what they want without interference. (Then they come to complain to me that no one in the family "gives a damn" about the person they're taking care of so they have to do everything!)

When I was a kid my friends and I liked to play the see-saw game where the idea was to learn how to keep the see-saw in a balanced position. This was possible but very hard to maintain sitting way out at the ends. But as we learned to move our seats closer and closer towards each other we would eventually get to the point where we could sit in balance with almost no effort at all.

As an adult I forgot the see-saw game and I certainly never applied it to the game of life; but if the laws of physics are, in fact, the laws of nature, then why wouldn't they apply to interactions between people and not just interactions between objects? Let's explore that concept in the arena of conflict in general and then apply it to family caregiving. I'll start with an example from my life.

When I was in my early 20's I had a conversation with a wise elder of the Wampanoag Indian tribe in Massachusetts that made a lasting impression on me. I wanted to change the world, was a staunch vegetarian, and believed that how I lived and the food I ate (or didn't eat) was an integral part of my overall mission. Yet I couldn't understand why my family and many other people rejected my behavior with such vehemence —after all, I was on the side of what was right and good, wasn't I?

Manitonquat said he admired the motivation behind my choices but believed strongly himself that the extremity of my stance was counterproductive. His choice was to teach the sacredness of all things, ourselves included, and to help people feel grateful to the animals and plants that gave their lives for our sustenance. He wanted to help people love the earth and make sure to treat it well regardless of what one ate. He believed that if he could help get mainstream Americans, through love, to only eat as much meat as they needed and to start by experimenting with other yummy protein sources one day a week it would have a much greater impact than converting a small group of people to become total vegetarians (which might not be a sound choice for the planet, in his opinion, anyway).

Now, of course, I didn't really understand what he was talking about until many years later when his words came ringing home. I chose to give up being a vegetarian to cope with serious health concerns and couldn't believe the condemnation I heard from my vegetarian friends for "giving in." Their polarized stance made me feel unloved and angry because I realized if they couldn't support me in a life choice that had an obvious and immediately beneficial impact on my personal well-being, how could they ever expect anyone else to respect their (my old) perspective about what was best for the well-being of the planet (i.e. all of us)? The damage inherent in polarized politics became painfully apparent to me in that moment, as it has quite often in recent times. Now, as a family consultant, I see the impact polarized positions create in the lives of caregivers and, ultimately, in the lives of the people they care for.

On the polarized ends of the see-saw are always two people who are absolutely commited to what they believe is right; yet, it is a rare moment when I see people acknowledge that their commitment is a beautiful thing they have in common! In fact, the reason people often take polarized stances is to counterbalance an extreme position on the other side. Their commitment to justice and fair play, if not love, is what creates the imbalance AND it is that very commitment that can turn things around if they apply the laws of nature skillfully.

Remember, the see-saw game? The way to create balance easily without taking extreme positions is for both people to move closer together. You have to look for sources of commonality and learn to acknowledge what is right about each other's perspective. This is easier said than done but if people didn't have the goal of making things go well (at least from the perspective they see things from) there wouldn't be an argument in the first place. We all want things to go well -- hooray! -- let's see how that can be done.

The most charged and most typical family argument I see every day is the one around the decision to place mom or dad in a nursing home. One sibling, usually a devoted daughter, insists that mom (it's usually the mother) should get to live at home to the bitter end no matter what it takes while other family members believe a nursing home or residential care facility is a better choice. The one who wants mom at home will often say the others obviously don't care about mom—mom always said she'd rather die than be placed in the nursing homes she remembers from her childhood -- and the right thing, the moral thing, is obviously to keep her at home. The other family members feel condemned—they know mom might have a difficult emotional transition to make—but they also see how full-time caregiving is destroying the life of the one who is primarily in charge and, for a wide variety of reasons, they can't or won't do what little sister has done.

So they express themselves in a polarized way to counter the criticism they feel: "No! You're wrong! You're not doing a good enough job! Mom would be better off with her own peer group with trained professionals taking care of her needs!" They believe this is a loving stance, a statement of how much they do care for their parent, but it doesn't come across this way.

Neither side feels heard, both sides feel condemned and unsupported, and the impasse remains in place. What usually happens is the one who wants mom home insists on doing it no matter what and, because other family members don't agree, she gets no help. The breach in family relationships that happens as a result is often never repaired.

But what would happen if one person came closer to the middle of the see-saw and said, "I hear how much you love mom and how much you are trying to meet her needs. Tell me more. How did you come to believe this is the best solution?"

If one person felt truly heard, loved and acknowledged wouldn't they eventually be curious about why their so very loving sibling believed the opposite? Old family arguments and long-standing roles and dynamics obviously play a role in this but often the simple skill of learning to listen when everything inside is screaming "NO! LISTEN TO ME!" makes the biggest difference. Then, of course, it's important to take your turn so the reasons behind your stance are heard as well but that often has to come second.

Then what? Well, I've seen so many different solutions to this particular impasse I find myself amazed at the levels human creativity can achieve when everyone is in alignment with the highest good of everyone involved. If little sister is exhausted by being the primary caregiver and big sister can't help because she lives several states away but is willing to help pay for a nursing home maybe that money could be used for respite care instead. Maybe younger brother who is too emotionally distraught around his parents to want to be involved can be convinced to handle financial arrangements or caregiving responsibilities that don't involve hands-on care. Some people choose to use a nursing facility but come and take their relative out for a walk or a treat every day. Maybe if little sister met Mary, the friend of the family who LOVES her assisted living arrangement, she wouldn't feel so bad about helping mom adjust to a new home. Maybe if mom visited Mary and joined her for a meal and activity session she would suggest moving herself. (I actually HAVE seen this last scenario many more times than once!) But before any of these possibilities can happen, people have to be willing to move their seats closer to the center of the see-saw.

Give Yourself to Love

"Give yourself to love
If love is what you're after.
Open up your hearts to
The tears and laughter.
Give yourself to love,
Give yourself to love."
--Kate Wolf

My clients have been teaching me some important life lessons. While I consider my job to be about helping people learn to set limits and boundaries so they can take care of themselves better, I've recently had a spate of caregivers tell me the importance of risking it all for a cause you believe in. When the universe sends me the same message over and over I sit up and take notice, so when three caregivers in a row told me about how important it was for them to have made family caregiving the center of their lives despite the toll it took I decided it was time to write about that.

I sometimes have clients who are literally killing themselves to keep loved ones at home. I beg and plead with them to get some rest, to take time off, to let more people help and they refuse. One person explained it to me like this: "I made a commitment to my husband to see him through this time in his life and, by God, I'm going to be there!" Another recounted the story of how her concerned children actually slipped her a sleeping pill without her knowledge to make her get some rest while they watched her husband. Something happened when she was asleep that she wasn't able to be there for and she has resented the interference ever since. She wanted to be there. It didn't matter that other people were there to take care of things for her -- this is what she wanted to do with this time of her life, period!

Many clients have told me how precious they consider the time they spent with their ailing loved ones to be. It's hard, almost unbelievably challenging, and yet something they would not have missed for the world. The studies that worry me about family caregiving show that elderly caregivers over the age of 65 taking care of someone with dementia have a 60% higher mortality rate than elderly people who are not caregiving. However, the latest studies show that family caregivers in general (all ages, all kinds of illnesses) score higher on tests of physical and emotional well-being after their caregiving days are over than those people who have not done family caregiving. The emotional satisfaction and self-esteem that come from having seen a loved one through a difficult time of crisis and transition appear to far outweigh the negatives (if you survive).

What this information has meant for me as a caregiving consultant is that I am far more reluctant to tell a client that she "can't" do what she is trying to do. I still want my clients to take breaks, get other people involved and make taking care of themselves their highest priority because I want them to survive their caregiving experience and actually succeed at doing the best job as caregivers that they possibly can. But I also have to respect that sometimes love demands a person to make sacrifices that seem over the top to those of us who are not in similar situations. Caregivers put in superhuman efforts to keep their loved ones at home, parents stay up round the clock with sick children, lovers leave promising careers, family and friends to be with their beloveds. I, myself, still grieve the loss of having left my native New England to be with my husband, now ex-husband, in Santa Cruz. I grieve my losses but I don't regret the decision because when loving someone means so much you do what needs to be done and, no matter how it ends up, the loving was not in vain.

This was an excerpt from my book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. Buy it directly from me, autographed, for $14.95 plus shipping.

Give Yourself to Love

"Give yourself to love
If love is what you're after.
Open up your hearts to
The tears and laughter.
Give yourself to love,
Give yourself to love."
--Kate Wolf

My clients have been teaching me some important life lessons. While I consider my job to be about helping people learn to set limits and boundaries so they can take care of themselves better, I've recently had a spate of caregivers tell me the importance of risking it all for a cause you believe in. When the universe sends me the same message over and over I sit up and take notice, so when three caregivers in a row told me about how important it was for them to have made family caregiving the center of their lives despite the toll it took I decided it was time to write about that.

I sometimes have clients who are literally killing themselves to keep loved ones at home. I beg and plead with them to get some rest, to take time off, to let more people help and they refuse. One person explained it to me like this: "I made a commitment to my husband to see him through this time in his life and, by God, I'm going to be there!" Another recounted the story of how her concerned children actually slipped her a sleeping pill without her knowledge to make her get some rest while they watched her husband. Something happened when she was asleep that she wasn't able to be there for and she has resented the interference ever since. She wanted to be there. It didn't matter that other people were there to take care of things for her -- this is what she wanted to do with this time of her life, period!

Many clients have told me how precious they consider the time they spent with their ailing loved ones to be. It's hard, almost unbelievably challenging, and yet something they would not have missed for the world. The studies that worry me about family caregiving show that elderly caregivers over the age of 65 taking care of someone with dementia have a 60% higher mortality rate than elderly people who are not caregiving. However, the latest studies show that family caregivers in general (all ages, all kinds of illnesses) score higher on tests of physical and emotional well-being after their caregiving days are over than those people who have not done family caregiving. The emotional satisfaction and self-esteem that come from having seen a loved one through a difficult time of crisis and transition appear to far outweigh the negatives (if you survive).

What this information has meant for me as a caregiving consultant is that I am far more reluctant to tell a client that she "can't" do what she is trying to do. I still want my clients to take breaks, get other people involved and make taking care of themselves their highest priority because I want them to survive their caregiving experience and actually succeed at doing the best job as caregivers that they possibly can. But I also have to respect that sometimes love demands a person to make sacrifices that seem over the top to those of us who are not in similar situations. Caregivers put in superhuman efforts to keep their loved ones at home, parents stay up round the clock with sick children, lovers leave promising careers, family and friends to be with their beloveds. I, myself, still grieve the loss of having left my native New England to be with my husband, now ex-husband, in Santa Cruz. I grieve my losses but I don't regret the decision because when loving someone means so much you do what needs to be done and, no matter how it ends up, the loving was not in vain.

The previous blog was an excerpt from The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.

How Do I Get My Parents to Move?

David Solie, author of How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders, has a wonderful article on his blog on this topic. In it, he helps his readers close the gap between our generation's desire to keep our parents safe and well-cared for and their intense insistence on staying at home as long as possible. "How can they be so unreasonable?" we think. "Can't they see that I can't do it all for them anymore--I have a job, a husband and kids of my own. Dad keeps falling down, he's losing his eyesight. Mom gets lost on the way to the grocery store. But they fight me tooth and nail every step of the way!"

According to Solie, all is as it should be. And now that I have a fresh perspective on the problem I'd have to agree. Our parents are very much aware that they are in their final days, step by step losing everything they once held dear. For them having even one more day with the people they love, one more day in the home they created and care so much about, one more day means so very much.

You have a choice about the role you play in this progression. Silently, holding their hands, and doing everything possible to help them hold on to those minutes and days as long as possible without any limits and boundaries on your part is one. Many people come to me with this as their expectation. But there are limits and boundaries -- physical ones, financial ones. Eventually something -- or someone-- gives out. Or you can do the same thing but hold on to a reasonable expectation about what's happening and what can be done. "I'm here for you mom, I'm here for you dad but when we get to the point of xyz (set your limit and boundary here) we're going to have to try something else. Can we put a plan in place for that together?"

They may refuse that, too. "I lived in this house my whole life and I'm going to die here!" Your parents are accepting that this process is going to end in death. Under the circumstances their "safety" and "comfort" isn't necessarily their highest concern. It's about cherishing what they do have left a little bit longer. You'll do better if you can accept this, too. At least to some extent. Deal with your feelings about their impending death. Don't fight the reaper—work with it instead, choosing to make this time a loving end of life experience as much as possible.

Or you can fight with them, missing the point of why we're here together on this planet and why you're doing so much for them in the first place: you love each other. Keep that thought foremost in your minds and whatever has to be done will happen.