Buyer Beware! Caregivers Take Notice

Recently a good friend of mine, an elderly woman we'll call "Mary", was contacted by Wells Fargo Bank. She consented to speak to the "nice man" on the phone right away-- after all this was her bank, could something be wrong? No, but after several minutes of chatting with the person she thought was a bank employee she had been talked into allowing Wells Fargo to deduct $25 a month from her account for an insurance policy she didn't want.

I was there when it happened and said "Mary, why did you do that?! Why would you buy insurance you didn't want?"

"Oh, don't you worry about a thing" she said. "It's free the first month! And when I get the paperwork I'll just cancel it. The nice man said I could do that any time."

"But why would you say yes to this in the first place?"

"Oh," she said. "You know those poor Wells Fargo people have a 'quota' to fill, don't you? If they don't sell so many policies a month they could lose their jobs. I couldn't let that happen!"

I was flabbergasted but she assured me that she would get a notice from the bank and when she got it she would cancel it, so I stashed the experience in my memory bank, in case it should matter some day, and let it go.

Well, the paperwork either never came or didn't look like what Mary had expected. She has a vague recollection of getting something from AIG but she "knew" she hadn't bought anything from them so she threw it away. Three months later both of us had forgotten all about the insurance buying incident and Mary found herself unable to buy groceries at the end of the month because $50 she counted on was "missing" from her account.

Now, luckily, Mary is not so demented that she didn't notice what was wrong and immediately called the bank. She only has age-related memory loss and perhaps some misguided judgment. Wells Fargo promised to cancel the policy and, hopefully, that will be the end of it. But what if Mary wasn't that on top of her bank account? Could this even happen to you?

Singing at the Threshold

I recently got an email from the Threshold Choir, a wonderful singing community I used to participate in founded by Kate Munger in El Cerrito, California. Choirs have now formed in many places throughout the United States and Sussex, England and new ones are being created all the time.

What makes The Threshold Choir special is that it was specifically formed to comfort the sick and dying. Choir members learn songs in 2-4 part harmony and "perform" them (offer them) at people's bedsides. They sing in pairs or in small groups at hospices, hospitals, nursing homes, and private homes by the invitation of the family or the person's caregivers. Sometimes the family is present when they sing, and they sing as much for them as for the person who is in bed. The service is provided for free although donations are gratefully accepted.

It's a wonderful experience to be sung to like this. All Threshold Choir members get to have the experience themselves and when I was a member of the group I remember it as moving, extremely peaceful and profound.

Here's a lovely video I found on Youtube featuring members of the choir I used to sing with in Santa Cruz. I still find it inspiring work.

24 Hour Caregiving

I recently did a follow-up interview with caregiver Joan M. who took care of both of her parents until they died this past year. Joan did 24-hour caregiving for her father in the last few years of his life after deciding to take him home from the nursing home. She feels like this is one of the best decisions she ever made even though the road was rough and difficult. These are some of the insights she shared with me:

24 hour caregiving seems impossible but it IS doable if you keep several things in mind:

1. You must be committed and determined. You must know without a shadow of a doubt that come hell or high water THIS is what you are determined to do. That kind of commitment and focus unleashes energy that would otherwise be dissipated in indecision and resistance. All your creative forces can then come together and be focussed on the task at hand.

2. You must be organized. You need to create a schedule, assign tasks and be able and willing to follow through.

3. You need to have at least one other person (or more) who will take on some of the tasks and can be counted on to do what they say they will do.

4. You need to stay in the present moment so you can respond appropriately. Things change. What worked yesterday may not work today. Expect change to happen and work with it instead of trying to keep things the same.

5. Whatever services you can pay for are worth the money so don't hesitate to buy the help you need whenever possible.


One of the problems Joan experienced was anger with her sisters because they wouldn't help her with their dad. This is what she wanted to share with other readers about that :

"I realized how many times it interfered with the way I caregave at certain times. I ended up resenting my task at hand. Holding it in, getting high blood pressure to the point of a heart attack. Then being no good to anyone! I remember you telling me once "It is your choice" and I politely agreed, but really thought - NO IT'S NOT, THEY PUT IT ON ME AND I HAVE TO DO IT. That's what interfered with the free flowing energy that comes from caregiving. I didn't realize I wouldn't have had it any other way. It WAS my choice - it is who I am and what I believe in. Take away the family dynamics and old crap from the past and look into your heart of hearts and decide what you can live with. I went to the convalescent hospital to visit Dad during rehab a couple of years ago. For me that was enough, I wanted him home. I can't be mad at anyone else for not feeling like I did."

This blog was an excerpt from the book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. Buy it online here.

Losing Perspective by Compulsively Trying Harder

Take a look at your hand and pretend that it represents a problem you are having. Now put your hand (your problem) one inch or less away from your nose. What can you see? Not much besides your problem! In fact, if you're like most people you probably can't even see all the edges of the problem, never mind a solution. But if you put your hand down and take in the wider view, you can see the rest of the room and the view outside the window. Your life gets bigger and encompasses more possibilities, the problem seems less overwhelming and you can automatically breathe more deeply which reduces your stress and anxiety.

Caregivers of people with brain-impairing illnesses often find their lives reduced to nothing more than taking care of that other person. When I ask how they are or what's new nine times out of ten my clients respond by telling me how their patients are. I have to persist in getting my clients to open their focus wide enough to even include their own health.

I understand this. I'm the same way! The only thing in my life is the problem I'm having and if it can't be resolved right away I just try to focus harder. I try to control what's going to happen because the crisis makes me afraid. I think about the problem constantly, turning it over and over in my mind attempting to figure out what couldn't be figured out before. I reject proposed solutions out of hand if they don't match my imagined vision of how things "have" to go and then chastise myself for supposed "missed" opportunities. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't because clearly if things aren't going the way I want them to after all this time there's something I must have done wrong and, therefore, I ABSOLUTELY MUST TRY HARDER! And don't you try to distract me away from this intense focus. I KNOW I'm right to be trying so hard because -- can't you see? -- I obviously haven't succeeded yet! The problem's still here!

Can anyone live a satisfying life like this? Sometimes you just have to take a break.

There are people with cancer who somehow continue to live satisfying lives. I always find their stories fascinating because if I were in their shoes I know I would frantically put all my attention on surviving. Yet I recently read a wonderful story about a woman with a recent cancer diagnosis who opened my eyes because she started out doing exactly what I would do. She researched all the latest conventional and alternative therapies, she changed her diet, started exercising, did visualizations and worked very hard to control her feelings because she read that she "couldn't afford a single negative thought." Her life became reduced to her illness and what she was doing to combat it.

Then one day she woke up. All her time was consumed with surviving but what was she surviving for?

It suddenly occurred to her that she had to put her illness into the context of a much wider life - that if she had a reason to live and spent more of her time doing exactly THAT she at least wouldn't have wasted the time she had left. So she took a break and went on a healing retreat where she could be cared for and take some time to rest, meditate, relax and dream. She asked herself the question: since she didn't know how much time she had left (and nobody does know how much time they have) how did she want to spend that time? What made her heart sing? What gave life meaning? How could she leave a legacy or make a difference in someone else's life? What did she want to remember on her death bed that she hadn't experienced yet?

She didn't give up her cancer-fighting protocol but she now saw these activities as a beginning in making her life happen. The steps she took to deal with the cancer slowly started to take up less of her time as she started to shift her attention to what gave her life meaning. Some of her anxiety and fear faded away -- she was too busy focussing on the beauty, wonder and intensely interesting activities of the present moment -- and her enjoyment of life increased. The tumor has not changed size -- at least not yet -- but it does seem a lot smaller in her psyche. It doesn't really matter how the story ends. We don't know yet whether she'll beat this scary monster or not. But she's bigger than that. Her existence is shaped by her illness but it encompasses more life, more dreams, more of who she is and that makes all the difference.

We can't always control what happens in life. Earthquakes happen, our lives get disrupted and we have to spend time picking up the pieces and making new choices instead of doing what we thought we most desired. The roof falls in. Do you walk away and start over somewhere else or do you hold your ground and rebuild? The parent who has abused you all your life needs caregiving assistance. Do you hire people to help her and feel guilty because you're not there or do you do the work "like a good daughter" while she continues to make your life hell? Your loving partner has a brain injury from which he will never recover. After the initial crisis has passed, do you ask for a divorce or stay by his side even though he will never be able to be a real partner for anyone ever again? These are not easy questions with straight forward answers. Neither are they situations where you just do what needs to be done, solve the problem as quickly as possible and get back to your old life. There are moral struggles, practical implications, sometimes heartbreaking consequences no matter what you do.

Sometimes the answer is to step back. Take a break, get a fresh perspective.

Ask yourself what gives life meaning, what makes it worthwhile and, if possible, try to find ways to incorporate your highest values into the life you have now. Given what has happened how do you wish to respond? What are your priorities in this life situation? How do these priorities fit with your deepest values, hopes and dreams? This has nothing to do with "shoulds" and moralistic expectations. It has nothing to do with what you hoped to have in your life at this time. It's about what matters in the present moment and what -- over time -- you want to work towards.

The previous blog was an excerpt from The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. If you like what you read on this site, why not buy the book? You'll be glad you did!

How To Help A Lonely Elder

This info was written for people in Santa Cruz, CA but there's enough good suggestions here to help you find similar possibilities in your hometown, I'm sure:

Everyone feels lonely from time to time but the elderly are at a greater risk because most of their loneliness comes from long established habits combined with the loss of longtime friends and companions.

The key to breaking isolation is to very slowly and gently add activities that get the lonely person into the presence of others. In addition to extra contact from existing family and friends, start with activities that are easy to participate in such as church services or special interest classes. Senior centers offer a variety of activities especially geared towards seniors but Santa Cruz is also rich in adult education opportunities ranging from Parks and Recreation classes to community education courses at the University or Cabrillo College. If travel was always a source of pleasure try group tours or day trips. If the person enjoys reading try the public readings and book signings presented by local bookstores. If the person used to gain pleasure by caring for others (children or a spouse) consider volunteer opportunities with a social service agency or child care center. Even a part-time job can make a difference.

For very frail or housebound seniors, an adult day program that includes transportation and medical supervision might serve the purpose. (In Santa Cruz, try Elderday 458-3481 and Cindy's Celebrations 479-7509). If the person truly can't or won't leave the house, it is possible to arrange for a volunteer or paid companion to visit there. Try a Friendly Visitor program (427-5070) or Senior Companion (475-0816 ext. 10). Many others find that what they need most is to live with other people -- try assisted living or retirement communities or rent out a room to another senior citizen or college student (Senior Network Services Shared Housing Program 462-6788). In Santa Cruz it is even possible to try out having a housemate for a very short time by offering a room to a visiting professor or foreign exchange student for one semester or by providing space for a Shakespeare Santa Cruz performer for the summer. (458-3506)