Age Related Changes and Memory Loss

When I was a Family Caregiving Consultant people who had not lived with their elderly relatives in years would come to me in a panic about behavior that smacked of dementia. They had a family gathering at the house, came for a more extended visit, or even needed to move in together for a particular period of time, and what they saw frightened them.

Now my partner Paul and I are temporarily living with his elderly parents. Neither one has Alzheimer's Disease. Both have been getting by but what we're seeing is throwing my earlier client contacts into a different light.

I remember hearing: "My grandmother stays in her bathrobe almost all day long!"

Yep. Occasionally, I do, too, on my day off when there's no one around to see me do it. If grandma has been living on her own and is "on her day off" all the time, why shouldn't she do what makes her feel comfy and cozy?

"Mom takes hours to get dressed or make dinner!"

Yep, why not? There's nothing to hurry for.

Now, I'm not going to say we haven't seen behavior that completely freaks us out. One of Paul's parents has judgment lapses that would get her declared "incompetent" in an instant if this wasn't a lifelong pattern of decision-making. "She's always been like that!" I hear again and again. "It just happens more now. She doesn't care about those things and never has!"

In context, it's just a progression of the same old thing. Jumping in fresh or after a long absence, the progression make no sense. It's crazy! It's "dementia"! We have to do something!

And maybe you will have to intervene sooner or later. After all, there has been an increase in these behaviors. And there is at least age-related memory loss.

But trust me, the parents won't feel that way. They've been compensating for these changes for a decade or more. "We've gotten this far," they think. "What the hell are you so worried about? Big deal, if I leave a pan on the stove. Haven't you ever done that? Big deal, if I go to a party and forget my teeth! I've done it before! And yeah, I even bounced a check or two this month. Stop snooping into my business. (You have no idea how many times I did that when I was younger, too!)"

Most people's parents handle their aging with an acceptance and flexibility their children can't imagine. Things change gradually, they adjust, they make do, they adjust some more. But then there's one last adjustment and things fall apart. That's when the kids can step in. It's nice if you can plan ahead for that. It's even better if the parents will help you help them before things fall apart.

But they have to be willing to allow you to be involved. Before then, it's a terrible interference into a life that's being independently, and even somewhat gracefully, lived.

Conflict Resolution and Family Caregiving

I used to work as a Family Caregiving Consultant for the Alzheimer's Association and later for Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center in Santa Cruz, CA. Conflict resolution was one of the most challenging aspects of long term family caregiving -- so many factors to be worked out, and such committed and heartfelt views. Here are some excerpts from an article I wrote on the subject back then. A new version of this can be found in my latest book, The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. The book can be found both on my own website and though my shop on Etsy.com.

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Sometimes when I work with families I think of my clients as being on a see-saw. One person in the family voices a very strong opinion about what HAS to happen and another family member insists in an equally loud voice that he or she wants the opposite. The balance of power wildly swings back and forth until one person falls off and the other person (merrily?) goes on their way doing exactly what they want without interference. (Then they come to complain to me that no one in the family "gives a damn" about the person they're taking care of so they have to do everything!)

When I was a kid my friends and I liked to play the see-saw game where the idea was to learn how to keep the see-saw in a balanced position. This was possible but very hard to maintain sitting way out at the ends. But as we learned to move our seats closer and closer towards each other we would eventually get to the point where we could sit in balance with almost no effort at all.

As an adult I forgot the see-saw game and I certainly never applied it to the game of life; but if the laws of physics are, in fact, the laws of nature, then why wouldn't they apply to interactions between people and not just interactions between objects? Let's explore that concept in the arena of conflict in general and then apply it to family caregiving. I'll start with an example from my life.

When I was in my early 20's I had a conversation with a wise elder of the Wampanoag Indian tribe in Massachusetts that made a lasting impression on me. I wanted to change the world, was a staunch vegetarian, and believed that how I lived and the food I ate (or didn't eat) was an integral part of my overall mission. Yet I couldn't understand why my family and many other people rejected my behavior with such vehemence —after all, I was on the side of what was right and good, wasn't I?

Manitonquat said he admired the motivation behind my choices but believed strongly himself that the extremity of my stance was counterproductive. His choice was to teach the sacredness of all things, ourselves included, and to help people feel grateful to the animals and plants that gave their lives for our sustenance. He wanted to help people love the earth and make sure to treat it well regardless of what one ate. He believed that if he could help get mainstream Americans, through love, to only eat as much meat as they needed and to start by experimenting with other yummy protein sources one day a week it would have a much greater impact than converting a small group of people to become total vegetarians (which might not be a sound choice for the planet, in his opinion, anyway).

Now, of course, I didn't really understand what he was talking about until many years later when his words came ringing home. I chose to give up being a vegetarian to cope with serious health concerns and couldn't believe the condemnation I heard from my vegetarian friends for "giving in." Their polarized stance made me feel unloved and angry because I realized if they couldn't support me in a life choice that had an obvious and immediately beneficial impact on my personal well-being, how could they ever expect anyone else to respect their (my old) perspective about what was best for the well-being of the planet (i.e. all of us)? The damage inherent in polarized politics became painfully apparent to me in that moment, as it has quite often in recent times. Now, as a family consultant, I see the impact polarized positions create in the lives of caregivers and, ultimately, in the lives of the people they care for.

On the polarized ends of the see-saw are always two people who are absolutely commited to what they believe is right; yet, it is a rare moment when I see people acknowledge that their commitment is a beautiful thing they have in common! In fact, the reason people often take polarized stances is to counterbalance an extreme position on the other side. Their commitment to justice and fair play, if not love, is what creates the imbalance AND it is that very commitment that can turn things around if they apply the laws of nature skillfully.

Remember, the see-saw game? The way to create balance easily without taking extreme positions is for both people to move closer together. You have to look for sources of commonality and learn to acknowledge what is right about each other's perspective. This is easier said than done but if people didn't have the goal of making things go well (at least from the perspective they see things from) there wouldn't be an argument in the first place. We all want things to go well -- hooray! -- let's see how that can be done.

The most charged and most typical family argument I see every day is the one around the decision to place mom or dad in a nursing home. One sibling, usually a devoted daughter, insists that mom (it's usually the mother) should get to live at home to the bitter end no matter what it takes while other family members believe a nursing home or residential care facility is a better choice. The one who wants mom at home will often say the others obviously don't care about mom—mom always said she'd rather die than be placed in the nursing homes she remembers from her childhood -- and the right thing, the moral thing, is obviously to keep her at home. The other family members feel condemned—they know mom might have a difficult emotional transition to make—but they also see how full-time caregiving is destroying the life of the one who is primarily in charge and, for a wide variety of reasons, they can't or won't do what little sister has done.

So they express themselves in a polarized way to counter the criticism they feel: "No! You're wrong! You're not doing a good enough job! Mom would be better off with her own peer group with trained professionals taking care of her needs!" They believe this is a loving stance, a statement of how much they do care for their parent, but it doesn't come across this way.

Neither side feels heard, both sides feel condemned and unsupported, and the impasse remains in place. What usually happens is the one who wants mom home insists on doing it no matter what and, because other family members don't agree, she gets no help. The breach in family relationships that happens as a result is often never repaired.

But what would happen if one person came closer to the middle of the see-saw and said, "I hear how much you love mom and how much you are trying to meet her needs. Tell me more. How did you come to believe this is the best solution?"

If one person felt truly heard, loved and acknowledged wouldn't they eventually be curious about why their so very loving sibling believed the opposite? Old family arguments and long-standing roles and dynamics obviously play a role in this but often the simple skill of learning to listen when everything inside is screaming "NO! LISTEN TO ME!" makes the biggest difference. Then, of course, it's important to take your turn so the reasons behind your stance are heard as well but that often has to come second.

Then what? Well, I've seen so many different solutions to this particular impasse I find myself amazed at the levels human creativity can achieve when everyone is in alignment with the highest good of everyone involved. If little sister is exhausted by being the primary caregiver and big sister can't help because she lives several states away but is willing to help pay for a nursing home maybe that money could be used for respite care instead. Maybe younger brother who is too emotionally distraught around his parents to want to be involved can be convinced to handle financial arrangements or caregiving responsibilities that don't involve hands-on care. Some people choose to use a nursing facility but come and take their relative out for a walk or a treat every day. Maybe if little sister met Mary, the friend of the family who LOVES her assisted living arrangement, she wouldn't feel so bad about helping mom adjust to a new home. Maybe if mom visited Mary and joined her for a meal and activity session she would suggest moving herself. (I actually HAVE seen this last scenario many more times than once!) But before any of these possibilities can happen, people have to be willing to move their seats closer to the center of the see-saw.

Buyer Beware! Caregivers Take Notice

Recently a good friend of mine, an elderly woman we'll call "Mary", was contacted by Wells Fargo Bank. She consented to speak to the "nice man" on the phone right away-- after all this was her bank, could something be wrong? No, but after several minutes of chatting with the person she thought was a bank employee she had been talked into allowing Wells Fargo to deduct $25 a month from her account for an insurance policy she didn't want.

I was there when it happened and said "Mary, why did you do that?! Why would you buy insurance you didn't want?"

"Oh, don't you worry about a thing" she said. "It's free the first month! And when I get the paperwork I'll just cancel it. The nice man said I could do that any time."

"But why would you say yes to this in the first place?"

"Oh," she said. "You know those poor Wells Fargo people have a 'quota' to fill, don't you? If they don't sell so many policies a month they could lose their jobs. I couldn't let that happen!"

I was flabbergasted but she assured me that she would get a notice from the bank and when she got it she would cancel it, so I stashed the experience in my memory bank, in case it should matter some day, and let it go.

Well, the paperwork either never came or didn't look like what Mary had expected. She has a vague recollection of getting something from AIG but she "knew" she hadn't bought anything from them so she threw it away. Three months later both of us had forgotten all about the insurance buying incident and Mary found herself unable to buy groceries at the end of the month because $50 she counted on was "missing" from her account.

Now, luckily, Mary is not so demented that she didn't notice what was wrong and immediately called the bank. She only has age-related memory loss and perhaps some misguided judgment. Wells Fargo promised to cancel the policy and, hopefully, that will be the end of it. But what if Mary wasn't that on top of her bank account? Could this even happen to you?

Singing at the Threshold

I recently got an email from the Threshold Choir, a wonderful singing community I used to participate in founded by Kate Munger in El Cerrito, California. Choirs have now formed in many places throughout the United States and Sussex, England and new ones are being created all the time.

What makes The Threshold Choir special is that it was specifically formed to comfort the sick and dying. Choir members learn songs in 2-4 part harmony and "perform" them (offer them) at people's bedsides. They sing in pairs or in small groups at hospices, hospitals, nursing homes, and private homes by the invitation of the family or the person's caregivers. Sometimes the family is present when they sing, and they sing as much for them as for the person who is in bed. The service is provided for free although donations are gratefully accepted.

It's a wonderful experience to be sung to like this. All Threshold Choir members get to have the experience themselves and when I was a member of the group I remember it as moving, extremely peaceful and profound.

Here's a lovely video I found on Youtube featuring members of the choir I used to sing with in Santa Cruz. I still find it inspiring work.

24 Hour Caregiving

I recently did a follow-up interview with caregiver Joan M. who took care of both of her parents until they died this past year. Joan did 24-hour caregiving for her father in the last few years of his life after deciding to take him home from the nursing home. She feels like this is one of the best decisions she ever made even though the road was rough and difficult. These are some of the insights she shared with me:

24 hour caregiving seems impossible but it IS doable if you keep several things in mind:

1. You must be committed and determined. You must know without a shadow of a doubt that come hell or high water THIS is what you are determined to do. That kind of commitment and focus unleashes energy that would otherwise be dissipated in indecision and resistance. All your creative forces can then come together and be focussed on the task at hand.

2. You must be organized. You need to create a schedule, assign tasks and be able and willing to follow through.

3. You need to have at least one other person (or more) who will take on some of the tasks and can be counted on to do what they say they will do.

4. You need to stay in the present moment so you can respond appropriately. Things change. What worked yesterday may not work today. Expect change to happen and work with it instead of trying to keep things the same.

5. Whatever services you can pay for are worth the money so don't hesitate to buy the help you need whenever possible.


One of the problems Joan experienced was anger with her sisters because they wouldn't help her with their dad. This is what she wanted to share with other readers about that :

"I realized how many times it interfered with the way I caregave at certain times. I ended up resenting my task at hand. Holding it in, getting high blood pressure to the point of a heart attack. Then being no good to anyone! I remember you telling me once "It is your choice" and I politely agreed, but really thought - NO IT'S NOT, THEY PUT IT ON ME AND I HAVE TO DO IT. That's what interfered with the free flowing energy that comes from caregiving. I didn't realize I wouldn't have had it any other way. It WAS my choice - it is who I am and what I believe in. Take away the family dynamics and old crap from the past and look into your heart of hearts and decide what you can live with. I went to the convalescent hospital to visit Dad during rehab a couple of years ago. For me that was enough, I wanted him home. I can't be mad at anyone else for not feeling like I did."

This blog was an excerpt from the book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. Buy it online here.